It is often difficult to tell if a loved one or a friend is in an abusive relationship, and the reasons are varied and complex. We find ourselves even further perplexed when we find out that they stay in said relationship even when they have opened up about the abuse they are suffering.
The most common reasons people stay in abusive relationships are fear of their partners acting out in violence, i.e. revenge, financial dependence, shame and low self-esteem, wanting to stay together for the sake of the children, lack of support from friends and/or family, cultural factors or hoping their partner will change their behaviour.
Victims are often gaslit into staying in these relationships. Gaslighting, stalking, and other forms of manipulative behaviour are some of the most well-known behaviours, but different, less apparent behaviours have been observed in abusive relationships. These behaviours can go unnoticed for years.
A recent study conducted by Social Psychological and Personality Science observed seven behaviours that serve as warning signs for future abuse. The seven behaviours observed included.
- Their partner acted entitled or arrogant.
- Their partner disagreed about something sexual.
- They had sex with their partner even when they were not in the mood.
- Their partner created an uncomfortable situation in public.
- Their partner disregarded their reasoning or logic because it did not meet theirs.
- Their partner reacted negatively when they said ‘no’ to something they wanted from them.
- The partner resented being questioned about how they treated them.
The study concluded that predicting future violence depended not only on the number of warning signs but also on how frequently they occurred. For example, frequent disagreements about sexual issues appeared more predictive of abuse than did occasional disagreements.
Action Society implores anyone who observes these behaviours in their partners to seek a couples or marriage counsellor before it is too late.
Action Society has dealt with numerous cases where a history of abuse in a relationship went unreported. Carmen Gouws was murdered in her sleep by an axe-wielding ex-partner who was stalking her. The same patterns were seen in the cases of Siphokazi Booi and Nadia Lotz, both of whom were killed. Don’t follow in their footsteps. Walk away, get support and find safety.
